her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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