shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
