why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
