K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
