seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
