I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
