remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
