at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
