Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
