Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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