just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
All the doctor said was why
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
