I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize