Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
