You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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