One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
