An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Four minutes until I can fart!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
