How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
