I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
