just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
