it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
