Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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