Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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