there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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