I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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