I'm pants shitting drunk right now
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
