Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
