Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
