Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I could have mohawked her pubes.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
