I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
