I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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