DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
