hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
