I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
