remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My vagina just recognized that song.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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