whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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