Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
