My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
