I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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