Please, let me fuck your mom
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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