Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
