If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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