Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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