I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize