I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think I just sharted jello shots
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