Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
