Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
