then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
