I got chris browned last night
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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