Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
