Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
