I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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