The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
