my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
