Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
