What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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