i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
