woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
