I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
