dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
