Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Randomize
