I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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