I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
